Gonzo is the one-true-muppet King

A Concise History of Muppet Theology

<= span style=3D'text-decoration:none'>

Gonzo, Divine King of the Muppets, Most Benevolent, Guardian of the Blue, Patron of Frilly Head-Antennae, was indeed an alien chicken-hawk as the Gonzonomicon clearly states, yet His soul-mate was a chicken by the name of Camilla. Since He never devoured her, it pr= oves His holiness and righteousness... He defies His very conceptual existence by abstaining from that which He defined as His Right. By encouraging us to do the same, = He shows us how to reach enlightenment -- that which it is to follow the Blue Path.<= span style=3D'mso-spacerun:yes'>

Not all are destined to do so, however. While Gonzo is the o= nly One-True-Muppet-King, Kermit was simply a prophet of the Green; his sole purpose was to solidify The Gonzo's opposition against other trials of adversity, leaving the Great One to contemplate and manage the universe in peace. Many choose KermitR= 17;s Green Path of the martyr, defining themselves, as he did, through their ser= vice to the Gonzo, rather than their attempt to reach His status themselves.

Still more follow the Path of the = Piggy, consumed by their avarice and contempt for all they do not control.

A few become Rowlfstafarians, immer= sing themselves in their music, and partaking of copious quantities of ganza, th= eir holy sacrament and presumed source of creative inspiration.

The Followers of Fozz are truly misguided souls, listless and insecure... they do not have the Great Green = Light to show them the way. Rather,= they rebel against it, using levity (and a rather poor species at that) to mask their pain and spiritual guilt.

The Twin paths of hubris and conce= it, personified by Scooter and Janice, respectively, are not well known, though often followed. More like fig= ures of historical tragedy than divine messengers, the Twins embody elements as corrupt as those of the Piggy, yet they do not believe they are wayward. The Piggies, by contrast, do not e= ven recognize a difference, as their vanity is made of the basest stuff -- they lack the intellect to give definition to their self-absorption.<= /span>

There are also many fringe cults, diverse in their beliefs, though not widely encountered. These include: <= o:p>

The Free Thinkers, followers of the renowned philosopher and alchemist, Bunsen: It is believed that Bunsen himself= was once an avid member of the Green Path, practicing the teachings of the Kerm= it, until his curiosity compelled him to break away and follow his own path. He became a recluse for many years, throwing himself into his studies with a near-re= ligious fervor. It is said that he discovered enlightenment of a different source -- that which the Twins aspi= red to but could not reach. Preac= hing of the four key virtues of Humility, Balance, Study and Confidence, he single-handedly instigated the largest theological rebellion in history, converting nearly half of the once-righteous followers of Gonzo. He was killed and his followers re= verted, though this fringe cult still claims the most members of all the unrighteou= s.

The Slave Traitors, descendants of Bunsen's assistant, Beaker: N= ot to be confused with slave traders, the Traitors are more of an ethnicity than a cult, but even though they wear the title with pride, the rest of the world still sees them as a tainted class. They are direct-line descendants of Beaker, the slave Bunsen employed as his lackey. Drive= n by years of humiliation and rage, Beaker turned on his master and was responsi= ble for his death at the hands of the Kermits.= He renounced Bunsen's beliefs, and publ= icly converted to Green path, urging other slaves to do the same. Thus, the Traitors are all technic= ally Green or Blue, but still retain their history as= a line of demarcation from the rest of the righteous.

The followers of Sam, Lord of the Underworld: There are few cul= ts as depraved as the followers of Sam, though they are a minor threat in compari= son to the Thinkers, mainly because they do very little thinking. There have been many depictions of= Sam the Eagle throughout history, but all have a common theme - the fearsome blue monstrosity with the sadist's eyes and the deadly powerful beak that marks the entrance to the Maw of Despair. These poor, weak fools are so cons= umed with fear for their material being that they perform obscene rituals to pac= ify the monster. Some believe tha= t he belongs to a peculiar guild called the "Nu Zankers", meeting othe= rs of his kind for bizarre pagan rites of sorcery known only as "brokaws" and "donuldsens". The majority, however, believe tha= t he is in fact the brother of the Great Gonzo Himself, and there is some eviden= ce supporting this idea. Eagles,= as everyone knows, are closely related to Chicken Hawks. Both Gonzo (The Blessed and Most W= orthy) and Sam are colored blue, but on= ly Gonzo is truly Blue. Where Gonzo has forsaken the consu= mption of chicken, Sam has not... Indee= d, Sam is known for a wide range of depravity, inc= luding the consumption of frogs, a most evil and blasphemous act against of the reverent Kermit and his followers.

The Order of the Knife: Not much is known of these heathen= s, other than their secret devotion to the unremarkable "Swedish Chef". While they preten= d to follow the Green and Blue paths, they are in fact spies for the Order. Much of the secrecy surrounding th= eir actions is due in part to their habit of speaking in tongues. No one outside the Order has ever = been able to learn its secrets, nor its goals.&= nbsp; They have never openly moved against the righteous, yet their smug s= ense of rebellion is heresy in itself, and must be stopped.

The followers of the Elder Gods: Most of the old pagans converted b= y the Kermits worshipped many gods, from as few as ten to as many as fifty. It is odd then, that the last surv= iving remnant of these primitive pagans believes in only two gods. A reclusive group, they live by themselves until the Kermits organize a festival. Then, like woodlice, they emerge f= rom their solitude and sit on top of the high walls of the cities. There, they sit in bemused silence watching the festivities, sometimes mumbling to each other or cackling like birds (many even believe that the Elder Gods are some kind of cross between their primitive pagan culture and the stories of Gonzo and Sam, who are in fact birds). When confronted, they tend to laugh hysterically and then cough on you. They are stupid, but harmless.

The followers of Animalism: These nomads are stubborn far beyo= nd the displays of simple rebellion. Like the Thinkers and the Twins, they hold the righteous in contempt, but only insofar as they hold everyone in contempt.= Anarchists in the extreme, they follow no rules, no codes, and have = no creed. Rather unintelligent a= nd violent, the animalists are thought to have originated from a camp of nomads who ingested some questionable forest mushrooms, the effects of which irrevocably damaged their mental capacity and that of their offspring. The loud, oafish, hairy beasts we = know as Animalists are the direct result. They seem to have a fixation on loud noises and fire... this may be = the best way to subdue them should they pose a threat.=

&n= bsp; Nanites: A minority in the extreme, very li= ttle is known about them. They see= m to hold the colors green and white as sacred, and have some bizarre fixation w= ith legs. They have a very odd ha= bit of looking up at nothing in particular, then nodding and saying "yessnannee". No one knows what this means.

&n= bsp; While there may be other fringe groups, they pose no threat to the righteous, and= are simply waiting to be told the Glorious Truth. To say otherwise is heresy. This concludes my report.

-d